I’ve been sat on this for awhile. I keep rewriting it. Tearing it up and throwing it away and starting again.
Miscarriage or should I say miscarriages are simply horrendous. The thing I found hardest is having nothing to show for it. Nowhere to go and nowhere to grieve. I cry regularly about the 3 children we lost. I am extremely fortunate to have 4 beautiful children. When I look at my oldest I still wonder what her older siblings would of been like. The experience and inability to grieve properly lead to a very bad depression where for almost 4 years I was at rock bottom and at the time I thought I had only one way out. To check out.
It’s often a taboo subject and parents are expected to just move on, to many you had nothing to lose and nothing to grieve.
I hope this spoken word piece goes some what to explain my experiences with miscarriage. It’s not very good and quite fragmented. I need to get it out of my head though.
If you have recently or in the past gone through a miscarriage I am sorry. Nothing will change it or make it better. But please, please find a way to live with it.
She said it with a whisper.
Thinking I’d be scared.
Her voice shakey, wondering how I’m going to take it.
What’s a matter. Is it you is it me ?
I think I’m pregnant she says to me.
All of a sudden I can see.
I can see it’s not the best time to be having a baby.
We have nowhere to live.
I have no job, nothing to give.
All of a sudden I can see
I can see a part of me is in her a part of us growing in her.
For years I’ve had nothing to see.
Friends and family talking of careers and where they want to be.
I feel like I am lost in a forest, a cold icy fog surrounding me.
It’s lifting, the sun is shining and now I can see a future with three.
She called me up and whispered. I’m in the hospital.
I don’t want to hear it I can’t hear it.
I think I’ve lost it.
The next morning as we sit down to look at a wavy picture.
This beautiful amazing moment where you get to see your baby for the very first time.
This is where it should be.
I’m sorry there is nothing to see.
We’d been so happy.
We told so many.
The words that came after hurt more than any.
Maybe it’s for the best.
Maybe it was never meant to be.
You are still young.
Just try again.
Try a fuckingain
We haven’t lost a job or our keys.
We’ve lost a life.
I’ve lost a part of me.
We’ve lost a part of us.
Why can’t any of you see.
She says it with a whisper.
Scared to be happy.
We are in a better place a home of our own.
A wage a steady good career.
We are scared and tell just a few.
Scared and worried but neither says it.
We both know what can happen.
She says it with a whisper
she doesn’t need to say it.
I’m so sad and angry with nothing to show for it.
Nothing to hold nowhere to go.
Nothing to grieve for, except the loss of a dream.
She says it matter of fact.
We tell no one.
Both scared and numb.
She doesn’t answer doesn’t say a word as she comes out of the bathroom.
I say have we lost it.
She’s too numb
Please not another one.
What’s wrong with you.
You look so down and blue.
Nothing, I’m good how’s you.
I’m so angry and sad and I don’t know what to do.
I close my eyes every night, picturing you, how you would of looked.
The faces you would of pulled. Your little smile and laugh as I look at you.
As I walk to try and clear my head.
thinking of how to tell you. Tell you I don’t think I can be with you.
Something else comes into my head.
As I sit her down I can tell she knows this is it.
We’ve cried so much, held each other, been angry and thrown things at each other both grieving for something we can’t see.
Something we can’t let go.
Yes, I will marry you.
She says I don’t know what to do.
I’m having contractions what should we do.
This is it, finally.
The midwife says it’s only just begun come back in a few hours.
You don’t understand we’ve lost 3 there must be something you have to do.
It’s all a blur and confusing all of a sudden you are here.
I hold you tight feeling your heart beat and smell your skin.
All of a sudden I can see.
I can see in you, I can see the three. The three we never got to meet.
I hold you and whisper
Whisper in your ear.
Thank you for been here.