Wild child

“Stay wild, Stay child”

I often have glimpses into the future, futures I’d like to see.

I sometimes tell them not to. Tell them it’s rude. But lately I don’t.

Rude to who? Not to me.

To see them every morning enjoying their breakfast enjoying food. Draining every drop of the bowl with full belly’s slurps, giggles and laughter as they do so.

At some point an adult will tell them it’s rude to do so. Like their older sisters who rarely do it now. They will stop doing it. Made to feel less because someone else may find it rude.

I like to think of a future in a partners house somewhere or maybe on holiday with their partners parents sitting down to a nice breakfast.

Draining their breakfast bowls. The parents aghast and saying how rude.

The partner loving them for doing it as much as I do.

Stay wild child, stay wild.

Andy

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Miscarriage

I’ve been sat on this for awhile. I keep rewriting it. Tearing it up and throwing it away and starting again.

Miscarriage or should I say miscarriages are simply horrendous. The thing I found hardest is having nothing to show for it. Nowhere to go and nowhere to grieve. I cry regularly about the 3 children we lost. I am extremely fortunate to have 4 beautiful children. When I look at my oldest I still wonder what her older siblings would of been like. The experience and inability to grieve properly lead to a very bad depression where for almost 4 years I was at rock bottom and at the time I thought I had only one way out. To check out.

It’s often a taboo subject and parents are expected to just move on, to many you had nothing to lose and nothing to grieve.

I hope this spoken word piece goes some what to explain my experiences with miscarriage. It’s not very good and quite fragmented. I need to get it out of my head though.

If you have recently or in the past gone through a miscarriage I am sorry. Nothing will change it or make it better. But please, please find a way to live with it.

Andy.

Miscarriage

She said it with a whisper.

Thinking I’d be scared.

Her voice shakey, wondering how I’m going to take it.

What’s a matter. Is it you is it me ?

I think I’m pregnant she says to me.

All of a sudden I can see.

I can see it’s not the best time to be having a baby.

We have nowhere to live.

I have no job, nothing to give.

All of a sudden I can see

I can see a part of me is in her a part of us growing in her.

For years I’ve had nothing to see.

Friends and family talking of careers and where they want to be.

I feel like I am lost in a forest, a cold icy fog surrounding me.

It’s lifting, the sun is shining and now I can see a future with three.

She called me up and whispered. I’m in the hospital.

I don’t want to hear it I can’t hear it.

I think I’ve lost it.

The next morning as we sit down to look at a wavy picture.

This beautiful amazing moment where you get to see your baby for the very first time.

This is where it should be.

I’m sorry there is nothing to see.

We’d been so happy.

We told so many.

The words that came after hurt more than any.

Maybe it’s for the best.

Maybe it was never meant to be.

You are still young.

Just try again.

Try a fuckingain

We haven’t lost a job or our keys.

We’ve lost a life.

I’ve lost a part of me.

We’ve lost a part of us.

Why can’t any of you see.

She says it with a whisper.

Scared to be happy.

We are in a better place a home of our own.

A wage a steady good career.

We are scared and tell just a few.

Scared and worried but neither says it.

We both know what can happen.

She says it with a whisper

she doesn’t need to say it.

I’m so sad and angry with nothing to show for it.

Nothing to hold nowhere to go.

Nothing to grieve for, except the loss of a dream.

She says it matter of fact.

No emotion

We tell no one.

Both scared and numb.

She doesn’t answer doesn’t say a word as she comes out of the bathroom.

I say have we lost it.

She’s too numb

Please not another one.

What’s wrong with you.

You look so down and blue.

Nothing, I’m good how’s you.

I’m so angry and sad and I don’t know what to do.

I close my eyes every night, picturing you, how you would of looked.

The faces you would of pulled. Your little smile and laugh as I look at you.

As I walk to try and clear my head.

thinking of how to tell you. Tell you I don’t think I can be with you.

Something else comes into my head.

As I sit her down I can tell she knows this is it.

We’ve cried so much, held each other, been angry and thrown things at each other both grieving for something we can’t see.

Something we can’t let go.

Yes.

Yes, I will marry you.

She says I don’t know what to do.

I’m having contractions what should we do.

This is it, finally.

The midwife says it’s only just begun come back in a few hours.

You don’t understand we’ve lost 3 there must be something you have to do.

It’s all a blur and confusing all of a sudden you are here.

I hold you tight feeling your heart beat and smell your skin.

All of a sudden I can see.

I can see in you, I can see the three. The three we never got to meet.

I hold you and whisper

Whisper in your ear.

Thank you

Thank you for been here.

x

Blue Monday on a Thursday.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

– Henry Wandsworth Longfellow

Today is a low low day.

Several little things all at once are affecting me at the moment. This time of year and the pressures it brings. A job that I don’t hate or dislike as such but one I would (if I could) give up tomorrow. Lots of little niggly things that are becoming a big pain, a constant pain. These two things with 2 very close reminders of how fragile life is. Learning of someone who died suddenly and someone’s parent who as just been given days to live after finding a tumour.

I am tired of floating through life. The older I get the closer the end is coming. The more I am aware of the pain I will cause my children when I die. I hope to be old enough to see them in to adulthood. Strong enough and wise enough to cope with it.

I don’t want them to think I just floated through life aimlessly. I’m tired of working bloody hard with little to show for it. Not material things, experiences. A feeling of having made a difference.

We have to work, it’s a huge chunk of your life to feel dissatisfied about. A chunk of life you can never get back. I recently met a man who retired at 55. I can’t imagine been able to retire let alone at an age which still allows me some time to be able to enjoy it.

The economy in the UK is becoming tighter and tighter. Month on month stretched and stretched. The problem with unstable economies means it’s harder to move or change directions. You need the security however uncomfortable and painful it may be on a daily basis when everything else is becoming unstable around you, especially when you are the sole provider.

Today has gotten to me. Its reminded me how fragile life is, and how I’m not living it.

Just thinking out loud.

Andy.

10 years

The iPhone is 10 years old. In ten years we have become addicted to our little screens losing the art of small talk. Missing the world we live in. Unaware of our surroundings and those around us. Sat in the same room as people, totally disconnected from them.

The more we use technology and social media to be “connected” the more disconnected we become with the world.

Our world.

Lose your Ego

“Youth ends when egotism does; maturity begins when one lives for others.”

Hermann Hesse

I don’t believe I am wise, however I try every day to take a step towards been wiser. To be a better role model to my children.
Different careers and life experiences both bad and good have shaped me and changed how I look and view things compared to how I did as young man.

You might be mistaken in thinking this is a given. I wish it was.
I can’t tell you how many adults I know who continue to act as they did in their youth. Never learning from previous mistakes or life changing events continually in a cycle of broken repetitive behaviour. Followed by excuse after excuse as to why they behave and continue to behave in such a way. People who have an impact on my children’s lives. Behaviours that I don’t want my children to develop. A  lot of this behaviour comes from ego. Like many in this world something we need to learn to lose.

“Stupidity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” 

With time and experience you begin (i hope) to see the world very differently, hopefully not too cynically.

I at no point expect my children to be good people because they are told to be. I expect my children to be good people because they have watched and seen myself and others behave in a way that they recognise that behaviour as been a good person, behaviour that is a standard, a standard they set their behaviour by.

Whilst clicking from one YouTube video to another I stumbled upon a video where a person set out that day to go out of his way to be as altruistic as he could be. It pretty much ended with almost everyone turning down his offer of help and advice. A video sadly i have not been able to find again since saving this post as a draft a few weeks ago.

So i will leave this one for you as a motivator.

It really captures the first reaction on the people’s faces that i myself encountered. the look of defensive judgment the look of why ?!!! would you offer to help.

Which in itself is a sad thing to see.

I decided to give it a try myself as best as I could purposely looking at helping as many people as I met that day.

(Edit-  for some reason this post saved as a draft rather than publish, everyday i have continued to offer at least one person an act of kindness. Like below i have found it a mix bag of responses)

Leaving the supermarket I saw a lady struggling with the weight of her trolley. I offered to help and push it to her car for her. She became quite reluctant and very firm in saying no thank you.

As I was walking home from the shop I saw some neighbours struggling carrying furniture into their home it began to rain I offered to help and take some of the furniture in for them. Straight away their body language became defensive and they politely said no thank you. I offered again as they looked at each other dumbfounded and again declined my offer.

Have we become so cynical that an offer of help is met with dismay and questioning the motive of the person offering help.

I believe help is always there.

The question is will you be willing to take it when offered ?

Lose the ego.

Andy.