Miscarriage

I’ve been sat on this for awhile. I keep rewriting it. Tearing it up and throwing it away and starting again.

Miscarriage or should I say miscarriages are simply horrendous. The thing I found hardest is having nothing to show for it. Nowhere to go and nowhere to grieve. I cry regularly about the 3 children we lost. I am extremely fortunate to have 4 beautiful children. When I look at my oldest I still wonder what her older siblings would of been like. The experience and inability to grieve properly lead to a very bad depression where for almost 4 years I was at rock bottom and at the time I thought I had only one way out. To check out.

It’s often a taboo subject and parents are expected to just move on, to many you had nothing to lose and nothing to grieve.

I hope this spoken word piece goes some what to explain my experiences with miscarriage. It’s not very good and quite fragmented. I need to get it out of my head though.

If you have recently or in the past gone through a miscarriage I am sorry. Nothing will change it or make it better. But please, please find a way to live with it.

Andy.

Miscarriage

She said it with a whisper.

Thinking I’d be scared.

Her voice shakey, wondering how I’m going to take it.

What’s a matter. Is it you is it me ?

I think I’m pregnant she says to me.

All of a sudden I can see.

I can see it’s not the best time to be having a baby.

We have nowhere to live.

I have no job, nothing to give.

All of a sudden I can see

I can see a part of me is in her a part of us growing in her.

For years I’ve had nothing to see.

Friends and family talking of careers and where they want to be.

I feel like I am lost in a forest, a cold icy fog surrounding me.

It’s lifting, the sun is shining and now I can see a future with three.

She called me up and whispered. I’m in the hospital.

I don’t want to hear it I can’t hear it.

I think I’ve lost it.

The next morning as we sit down to look at a wavy picture.

This beautiful amazing moment where you get to see your baby for the very first time.

This is where it should be.

I’m sorry there is nothing to see.

We’d been so happy.

We told so many.

The words that came after hurt more than any.

Maybe it’s for the best.

Maybe it was never meant to be.

You are still young.

Just try again.

Try a fuckingain

We haven’t lost a job or our keys.

We’ve lost a life.

I’ve lost a part of me.

We’ve lost a part of us.

Why can’t any of you see.

She says it with a whisper.

Scared to be happy.

We are in a better place a home of our own.

A wage a steady good career.

We are scared and tell just a few.

Scared and worried but neither says it.

We both know what can happen.

She says it with a whisper

she doesn’t need to say it.

I’m so sad and angry with nothing to show for it.

Nothing to hold nowhere to go.

Nothing to grieve for, except the loss of a dream.

She says it matter of fact.

No emotion

We tell no one.

Both scared and numb.

She doesn’t answer doesn’t say a word as she comes out of the bathroom.

I say have we lost it.

She’s too numb

Please not another one.

What’s wrong with you.

You look so down and blue.

Nothing, I’m good how’s you.

I’m so angry and sad and I don’t know what to do.

I close my eyes every night, picturing you, how you would of looked.

The faces you would of pulled. Your little smile and laugh as I look at you.

As I walk to try and clear my head.

thinking of how to tell you. Tell you I don’t think I can be with you.

Something else comes into my head.

As I sit her down I can tell she knows this is it.

We’ve cried so much, held each other, been angry and thrown things at each other both grieving for something we can’t see.

Something we can’t let go.

Yes.

Yes, I will marry you.

She says I don’t know what to do.

I’m having contractions what should we do.

This is it, finally.

The midwife says it’s only just begun come back in a few hours.

You don’t understand we’ve lost 3 there must be something you have to do.

It’s all a blur and confusing all of a sudden you are here.

I hold you tight feeling your heart beat and smell your skin.

All of a sudden I can see.

I can see in you, I can see the three. The three we never got to meet.

I hold you and whisper

Whisper in your ear.

Thank you

Thank you for been here.

x

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Tis the Season

“Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.

– Henry David Thoreau

Below is a spoken word piece that i wrote recently.

I was feeling depressed and truly overwhelmed with Christmas coming up. My wife as been amazing and 80% of the gifts we “need” to buy have been bought. we can now relax a little and hopefully enjoy this holiday period. Not been religious in any shape and form and a great believer in a secular society i find it a non celebratory time. However when you have children you can’t quite announce there is no Christmas; especially when your wife and children believe in the imagined man in the sky pulling all our strings.

So i hope it doesn’t seem too bah humbug.


Tis the season to be jolly

Tis the season to be jolly,

Tralla Lala la la la laaa.

That time of year when it gets dark, wet cold and gloomy.

That time of year when I can feel the weight on my shoulders.

The weight of an imaginary pressure so heavy it feels real.

Heavy that it aches and affects my mood and all my daily choices.

That time of year of want, want, want.

That time of year of manipulation,

greed and guilt.

Showing how much you care by what you can afford.

Not one need,

hundreds of wants.

That time of year when the already tight income is to be stretched and juggled and manipulated and checked and re-checked and balanced and checked and stretched again.

For one day.

The presents.

The extra food and drink.

The stress and thoughts of how will we cope and get through this month just for that one day.

For one day.

For one day for people to celebrate a religion and god they don’t believe in.

A message they don’t believe or agree with.

A history they don’t think happened.

For a man many don’t believe existed.

“But it’s tradition”

They say

As the tree lights, tinsel and fairy goes up.

We need new lights and decorations too.

We can’t  have the same as last year.

So presents are wrapped.

I lie and hide all the worries and concerns

All the worries and stresses i say we can afford it,

don’t worry it’s all fine.

Really, it’s fine.

To see their faces on that day.

Excited about toys and games

Opening presents with whoops and cheers and huge big hugs and thank yous’.

Toys and gifts that they will forget about in a month or two.

That day where we sit and eat to excess.

“I’m stuffed, I couldn’t possibly eat anymore”

All the waste has food is scraped away.

All that energy and stress wasted thrown away.

Thinking of those with nothing.

Thinking how close this month as got us so close, overstretched and ending up with nothing.

That time of year when it’s all over and people begin to say.

I can’t wait for the sales.

That time of year of giving greed and more greed

The time of year

 The time of year that i can’t wait to be over with.

I really, really do not like this time of year.

 


Have a wonderful holiday season however you decide to enjoy it.

Andy.

Fun

“I have learned that you can go anywhere you want to go and do anything you want to do and buy all the things that you want to buy and meet all the people that you want to meet and learn all the things that you desire to learn and if you do all these things but are not madly in love: you have still not begun to live.”

―JoyBell

I love my family and as much as I moan about them and the trials and tribulations that comes with it I wouldn’t change them for the world.

At times it becomes almost unbearable and you just want to run away to a time before.

Which lead me to writing this spoken word piece. Time is something that is I un-negotiable. It’s a fixed set amount. I have to be at work at a certain time to a certain time. The girls have after school clubs they attend they need taking to at a certain time. The baby goes to bed around a certain time to save our sanity the next day. This leaves little time to catch up with the wife. Be able to work out. Catch up with jobs around the house. To have any alone time. To be able to find time for fun. Fun selfishly just for you.

Fun

Fun.

But at what cost.

Fun things for you to see and do.

Just you.

No partner, no kids.

No wife and kids coming along too.

Fun.

Fun things to see and do.

Just for you.

At what cost.

Kids screaming they want to go with daddy too.

A wife who complains she doesn’t get the quality time she needs with you.

Fun.

Just fun.

Just for you.

Some time alone doing just what you want to do.

Sitting and relaxing when you want to.

Turning left instead of right because you want to.

Something catches your eye wandering over to look and explore a little bit.

No rolling of eyes as you suggest it.

No screaming I need the loo, me too and me, me too.

Sometime alone doing just what you want to do.

Exploring the world and shops in your little town like you use to.

Peacefully wandering and looking at what you want to.

Coming home, turning on the crap that you want to.

No screams of I’m not watching that.

Escaping to listen to your favourite music.

Relaxing and meditating.

Closing your eyes and feeling the music run through you.

Prodded in the head and asked what are you up to.

Can I listen.

Can I watch pig on your phone.

Peppa. Peppa ringing in my ear.

Fun.

Oh What fun.

Fun at what cost.

Escaping without the guilt.

Asking if it’s ok if you can go see this.

Like a teenager nervously asking to stay out with friends that your parents don’t like.

Reminiscing of the fun you were use to.

Getting up when you wanted to.

Leaving the house for anywhere and nowhere just going because you wanted to.

Now to have that fun it comes at a cost.

A cost.

A cost that you always have to ask yourself.

Is it worth it.

All this fuss.

Just to go.

To go and have some fun.

Andy.

Middle class wanker.

“I want to burden the conscience of the affluent with all the suffering and all the hidden, bitter tears.”

Rosa Luxemburg

I recently went to a talk from a person who had climbed Everest. It was the most patronising and middle class presentation I have ever had the misfortune to sit through.

So much so it inspired me to write the piece below.

What is it like to be you.

You have no idea what it is like.

I have no idea what it is like to be you.

What is it like to be you ?

To see this world the way you do.

The way you can buy anything you want.

To do anything you want.

To be anything you want to be.

You say it’s easy

just go and do it.

I Can’t afford to take 3 months out of life.

It’s easy if you really want it, you just have to do it.

I can’t afford to lose 3 days you talk of 3 months.

You know its easy, you say you can go and just do it.

So you say.

Just get out there you can do it. You say it with confidence, confidence of a big fat gigantic safety net to fall back on.

I’m on hard times there is nothing soft to fall back on.

Just get a sponsor or a member of your family.

They can pay for you to do it.

I know no one.

Nobody to open these doors you speak of the doors that only you have the key to.

I can’t ask those who struggle to pay, to send me to have a good old jolly at their expense.

Anyone can do it just book a plane and go do it.

What is it like to be you ?

To see this world so simply.

To have an idea and just be able to go do it.

To not have to worry if your children will eat that week, to not have to worry what would happen if the washer breaks.

How will feed your family and pay for the laundry until you can find some money searching facebook for a second hand replacement.

What is it like to be you.

To see the world in black and white, yes and no’s.

No gray or murky colours.

No maybes or I’m not sure yet.

No wait and sees.

You talk of 600 pound boots 2 pairs just incase.

Whilst I’m sat here with holes in my shoes.

Cease the day you say to me.

Cliche followed by cliche after  cliche.

Oh what is it like to be you.

To have to pay to have a challenge.

To have to pay to feel fulfilled.

Every day is a struggle and a challenge for me.

Everyday is fulfilled, fulfilled and proud that I made it another day.

Paying to inject passion into your life to feel some form of life run through your veins.

What would is it like to be you.

I’m so glad I’m not you.