Wild child

“Stay wild, Stay child”

I often have glimpses into the future, futures I’d like to see.

I sometimes tell them not to. Tell them it’s rude. But lately I don’t.

Rude to who? Not to me.

To see them every morning enjoying their breakfast enjoying food. Draining every drop of the bowl with full belly’s slurps, giggles and laughter as they do so.

At some point an adult will tell them it’s rude to do so. Like their older sisters who rarely do it now. They will stop doing it. Made to feel less because someone else may find it rude.

I like to think of a future in a partners house somewhere or maybe on holiday with their partners parents sitting down to a nice breakfast.

Draining their breakfast bowls. The parents aghast and saying how rude.

The partner loving them for doing it as much as I do.

Stay wild child, stay wild.

Andy

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Miscarriage

I’ve been sat on this for awhile. I keep rewriting it. Tearing it up and throwing it away and starting again.

Miscarriage or should I say miscarriages are simply horrendous. The thing I found hardest is having nothing to show for it. Nowhere to go and nowhere to grieve. I cry regularly about the 3 children we lost. I am extremely fortunate to have 4 beautiful children. When I look at my oldest I still wonder what her older siblings would of been like. The experience and inability to grieve properly lead to a very bad depression where for almost 4 years I was at rock bottom and at the time I thought I had only one way out. To check out.

It’s often a taboo subject and parents are expected to just move on, to many you had nothing to lose and nothing to grieve.

I hope this spoken word piece goes some what to explain my experiences with miscarriage. It’s not very good and quite fragmented. I need to get it out of my head though.

If you have recently or in the past gone through a miscarriage I am sorry. Nothing will change it or make it better. But please, please find a way to live with it.

Andy.

Miscarriage

She said it with a whisper.

Thinking I’d be scared.

Her voice shakey, wondering how I’m going to take it.

What’s a matter. Is it you is it me ?

I think I’m pregnant she says to me.

All of a sudden I can see.

I can see it’s not the best time to be having a baby.

We have nowhere to live.

I have no job, nothing to give.

All of a sudden I can see

I can see a part of me is in her a part of us growing in her.

For years I’ve had nothing to see.

Friends and family talking of careers and where they want to be.

I feel like I am lost in a forest, a cold icy fog surrounding me.

It’s lifting, the sun is shining and now I can see a future with three.

She called me up and whispered. I’m in the hospital.

I don’t want to hear it I can’t hear it.

I think I’ve lost it.

The next morning as we sit down to look at a wavy picture.

This beautiful amazing moment where you get to see your baby for the very first time.

This is where it should be.

I’m sorry there is nothing to see.

We’d been so happy.

We told so many.

The words that came after hurt more than any.

Maybe it’s for the best.

Maybe it was never meant to be.

You are still young.

Just try again.

Try a fuckingain

We haven’t lost a job or our keys.

We’ve lost a life.

I’ve lost a part of me.

We’ve lost a part of us.

Why can’t any of you see.

She says it with a whisper.

Scared to be happy.

We are in a better place a home of our own.

A wage a steady good career.

We are scared and tell just a few.

Scared and worried but neither says it.

We both know what can happen.

She says it with a whisper

she doesn’t need to say it.

I’m so sad and angry with nothing to show for it.

Nothing to hold nowhere to go.

Nothing to grieve for, except the loss of a dream.

She says it matter of fact.

No emotion

We tell no one.

Both scared and numb.

She doesn’t answer doesn’t say a word as she comes out of the bathroom.

I say have we lost it.

She’s too numb

Please not another one.

What’s wrong with you.

You look so down and blue.

Nothing, I’m good how’s you.

I’m so angry and sad and I don’t know what to do.

I close my eyes every night, picturing you, how you would of looked.

The faces you would of pulled. Your little smile and laugh as I look at you.

As I walk to try and clear my head.

thinking of how to tell you. Tell you I don’t think I can be with you.

Something else comes into my head.

As I sit her down I can tell she knows this is it.

We’ve cried so much, held each other, been angry and thrown things at each other both grieving for something we can’t see.

Something we can’t let go.

Yes.

Yes, I will marry you.

She says I don’t know what to do.

I’m having contractions what should we do.

This is it, finally.

The midwife says it’s only just begun come back in a few hours.

You don’t understand we’ve lost 3 there must be something you have to do.

It’s all a blur and confusing all of a sudden you are here.

I hold you tight feeling your heart beat and smell your skin.

All of a sudden I can see.

I can see in you, I can see the three. The three we never got to meet.

I hold you and whisper

Whisper in your ear.

Thank you

Thank you for been here.

x

Envy

I envy those with passion.

I wish I had purpose and a direction to sail my ship in.

Andy.

Blue Monday on a Thursday.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

– Henry Wandsworth Longfellow

Today is a low low day.

Several little things all at once are affecting me at the moment. This time of year and the pressures it brings. A job that I don’t hate or dislike as such but one I would (if I could) give up tomorrow. Lots of little niggly things that are becoming a big pain, a constant pain. These two things with 2 very close reminders of how fragile life is. Learning of someone who died suddenly and someone’s parent who as just been given days to live after finding a tumour.

I am tired of floating through life. The older I get the closer the end is coming. The more I am aware of the pain I will cause my children when I die. I hope to be old enough to see them in to adulthood. Strong enough and wise enough to cope with it.

I don’t want them to think I just floated through life aimlessly. I’m tired of working bloody hard with little to show for it. Not material things, experiences. A feeling of having made a difference.

We have to work, it’s a huge chunk of your life to feel dissatisfied about. A chunk of life you can never get back. I recently met a man who retired at 55. I can’t imagine been able to retire let alone at an age which still allows me some time to be able to enjoy it.

The economy in the UK is becoming tighter and tighter. Month on month stretched and stretched. The problem with unstable economies means it’s harder to move or change directions. You need the security however uncomfortable and painful it may be on a daily basis when everything else is becoming unstable around you, especially when you are the sole provider.

Today has gotten to me. Its reminded me how fragile life is, and how I’m not living it.

Just thinking out loud.

Andy.

Tis the Season

“Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.

– Henry David Thoreau

Below is a spoken word piece that i wrote recently.

I was feeling depressed and truly overwhelmed with Christmas coming up. My wife as been amazing and 80% of the gifts we “need” to buy have been bought. we can now relax a little and hopefully enjoy this holiday period. Not been religious in any shape and form and a great believer in a secular society i find it a non celebratory time. However when you have children you can’t quite announce there is no Christmas; especially when your wife and children believe in the imagined man in the sky pulling all our strings.

So i hope it doesn’t seem too bah humbug.


Tis the season to be jolly

Tis the season to be jolly,

Tralla Lala la la la laaa.

That time of year when it gets dark, wet cold and gloomy.

That time of year when I can feel the weight on my shoulders.

The weight of an imaginary pressure so heavy it feels real.

Heavy that it aches and affects my mood and all my daily choices.

That time of year of want, want, want.

That time of year of manipulation,

greed and guilt.

Showing how much you care by what you can afford.

Not one need,

hundreds of wants.

That time of year when the already tight income is to be stretched and juggled and manipulated and checked and re-checked and balanced and checked and stretched again.

For one day.

The presents.

The extra food and drink.

The stress and thoughts of how will we cope and get through this month just for that one day.

For one day.

For one day for people to celebrate a religion and god they don’t believe in.

A message they don’t believe or agree with.

A history they don’t think happened.

For a man many don’t believe existed.

“But it’s tradition”

They say

As the tree lights, tinsel and fairy goes up.

We need new lights and decorations too.

We can’t  have the same as last year.

So presents are wrapped.

I lie and hide all the worries and concerns

All the worries and stresses i say we can afford it,

don’t worry it’s all fine.

Really, it’s fine.

To see their faces on that day.

Excited about toys and games

Opening presents with whoops and cheers and huge big hugs and thank yous’.

Toys and gifts that they will forget about in a month or two.

That day where we sit and eat to excess.

“I’m stuffed, I couldn’t possibly eat anymore”

All the waste has food is scraped away.

All that energy and stress wasted thrown away.

Thinking of those with nothing.

Thinking how close this month as got us so close, overstretched and ending up with nothing.

That time of year when it’s all over and people begin to say.

I can’t wait for the sales.

That time of year of giving greed and more greed

The time of year

 The time of year that i can’t wait to be over with.

I really, really do not like this time of year.

 


Have a wonderful holiday season however you decide to enjoy it.

Andy.