Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.
– Henry Wandsworth Longfellow
Today is a low low day.
Several little things all at once are affecting me at the moment. This time of year and the pressures it brings. A job that I don’t hate or dislike as such but one I would (if I could) give up tomorrow. Lots of little niggly things that are becoming a big pain, a constant pain. These two things with 2 very close reminders of how fragile life is. Learning of someone who died suddenly and someone’s parent who as just been given days to live after finding a tumour.
I am tired of floating through life. The older I get the closer the end is coming. The more I am aware of the pain I will cause my children when I die. I hope to be old enough to see them in to adulthood. Strong enough and wise enough to cope with it.
I don’t want them to think I just floated through life aimlessly. I’m tired of working bloody hard with little to show for it. Not material things, experiences. A feeling of having made a difference.
We have to work, it’s a huge chunk of your life to feel dissatisfied about. A chunk of life you can never get back. I recently met a man who retired at 55. I can’t imagine been able to retire let alone at an age which still allows me some time to be able to enjoy it.
The economy in the UK is becoming tighter and tighter. Month on month stretched and stretched. The problem with unstable economies means it’s harder to move or change directions. You need the security however uncomfortable and painful it may be on a daily basis when everything else is becoming unstable around you, especially when you are the sole provider.
Today has gotten to me. Its reminded me how fragile life is, and how I’m not living it.
Just thinking out loud.